“All I want is to not Feel Anxious.”

-Hwang Dong Man

It struck a cord so hard in my ears.

As I was watching We are all trying here. Because I remember telling the exact same words to my mother whenever I cry and feel miserable about living this life.
I am not someone who hates this life I live. But it often fits like a force fit.

I don’t enjoy the way the job sucks 12hrs out of my life. I don’t enjoy the fact that I spend time around people who I can read through but pretend like I don’t, and stay like I am unaware of their hate, disgust, pretentious kindness, and sarcasm.

I often find myself tired because they try to define who I am while they don’t even know who they are. It often weighs me down.

Is it because my sun sign is Gemini and moon sign is Pisces? I often try to put the blame on it. Is it because I am an INFJ?

I put in an effort that doesn’t look like an extra effort to those around me. And one fine day, I realized it was me seeking validation. I quit that intention after fighting to survive two whole years that taught me people who are not family are mere passing clouds.

That is when I stopped it, but I realized the pattern came back again.

Anxiety.

Anxiety that slowly started to build up as I started to live among people who never knew what it is to have a soul put inside a box that is slowly cutting the oxygen. These are the privileged who have never ever seen what it is to be at their lowest. Who have never been crippled… who have never experienced intense emotional or physical pain.

I felt ashamed for expecting to be understood by such a mere being.

One fine day, I started to shed that temporary conscious skin of mine. Did I shed it completely?

Nope.

In process… In progress.

Feng Shui. It helps. The beginning of everything. Whenever things weigh you down, clear it up. Declutter. Then, run away. Out of sight, out of mind. And Feng Shui, repeat… Clean your space.

This is not OCD. I have seen what livin’ with OCD feels like. It’s not that when your colleague says, “Oh god, I can’t tolerate when things are unorderly.”

OCD is a mental health concern that people struggle with to survive day-to-day life. Not the fake show that people put around you. It’s sad that it has become a fancy, show-off word.

Well, back to what I was saying. Feng Shui. It helps you show that the more you order around your vicinity, the more your overwhelmed brain will get decluttered. You’ll get to breathe temporarily. Next…

Get ready to be disliked, hated, and misunderstood. It’s all about let them, let me. We focus on our ability, our thoughts, and our actions and move on.

Get ready to be a “loser” and get ready to live with the external labels. Because it’s not who you are. Those things stay outside the glass box that surrounds you.

Imagine a circle around you. All that harms you sits around you. I know you are anxious. But it’s okay. You are not the urgency of the people around you.

Things like this are helping me.

I am keeping this alive, and I am keeping it going. I am kind of making an oxygen tank around me… For survival. I don’t want to forget what I am made of at any point. Every time people try to stuff their ideology about who I am into me.