Today was that day for me.

The day that we INFJs have…

The day when all the worries which we have been ignoring and stuffing inside the  closest inside our mind so that we make believe everything is fine and try to carry on with life breaks out.

And today is the day for me… The day everything broke open overflowed infront of my mother – My source of existence. May be I was desperate to know how to steer past this part of my life that has been drowning me.

Ofcourse both our paths are different. She is the bravest person at the same time the softest. My mother. But I have also seen her being the loneliest still… Content and happy like a ball of joy who goes beyond to help others and make them happy. She is extremely extroverted.

I guess that’s how I acquired the attribute of a people pleaser. Yeah… We are getting over that manufacturing defect together. Learning how to set boundaries these days.

It’s been a while since I showed my vulnerability to her.

So, a part of me was like, will she understand? Of course she could and couldn’t understand. Our journey is different… But she knows more than me. That makes the difference. She knows the way to console her baby who grew up into this world as a human – Brave, strong, soft… Just like her. But more sensitive, confused… Full of chaos.

Yes, I blame it on my palm lines. It’s filled with toooo many lines unnecessarily…

Thailand trip cleared my head… I should have filled the space with hope and happiness. But without my control I also led some negative instances as well… And that’s the beginning of it all…

Beginning of an entire monologue and random blabbers…

“I know being an Adult is tough. If I have to narrow it down… Being a human is tough (I clearly know I am not narrowing it down here). I know all are going through something… The common phrase used to subjugate a person’s emotional turmoil.

Being a woman is tough. Being a woman with passion and woman without support is tough… You have to drive yourself everyday… It takes so much energy. Considering that people around you always makes you feel like you are not enough… Considering people never really want to see you fly higher… Can fly high… But not too high…

Being a healthy person is tough… Being a human with a defected lungs but trying hard to protect it and keep it healthy is tough… You have to eat healthy, exercise, stay stress free( in a world with everyone and everything lining up to stress you out) and shouldn’t cry… There are days I want to take a full breath but it’s hard. And I end up crying when I am not supposed to…

As you grow up, you get comfortable being alone… and then that cycle breaks and comes in the fallacy disguised in the form of love just to crumble you… And puts a curse on you that often questions your self worth hurts even more… Recovering from this is so hard than you think… And again it makes me cry… I threw all away… The expectations… But still I feel unworthy of love and kindness. I feel hopeless at times… I get myself back up… But again look at me…

And then there came immense courage to give my overflowing love to the dogs and committing to protect till the rest of my life… Lose and Grief that comes as a package with this… And I miss Pearly and Bujji. I know it’s life. I know I did my best. But I miss them. I crave that unconditional love. I crave to give my unconditional love as well.

The burden of being the middle class is tough… I feel rifted between what I actually want… And what actually I can do because of the limitations… I know the reality. Hustle hustle hustle… How much… How long…

Every penny you save ends up becoming a spend that comes with a consequence on your future. Because it’s you. Future is on you. I know what you say… Just look at the present. But… Even the demand that present place on me scare me. Because it’s us with our only earnings. Not your forefather’s… Nothing is passed on. I habe to create and pass on. World isn’t a fair space. It is never going to be. But I want to and I am going to ignore the standard it sets.

I am giving my best ma… But why nothing is steering the way I hope things to be… Why there is always a road block almost everyday… Why do I have to work *200 times on things others do it in 2 times?

Why do I feel tired? Why am I less loved? Why am I always the option? Why do I don’t have not even a single friend in my contact who I can call and ask help?

Why does my lungs feels so tight when I tried my best to loosen it up…? Why my hair is being sensitive as my heart…? Why should my teeth has to bring me an enormous expense when all I want is to eat with comfort. Why am I always doubtful about myself despite I have never let myself down all these years?

I am anxious… And I hate it. I am anxious of being this woman. Crossing everyday feels like hustling. I don’t know how to live this life of mine. I am torn between feeding my ambitious self who wants to reach greater heights in life… Who wants to be the successful. And the Timid Self… Who doesn’t want to hustle or be successful but wants to just do simple work, be content and be at peace.”

My face is completely wet with tears. Ofcourse I hidden alot of things that has been crumbling me down. Don’t be surprised that there are even more… My consciousness is slowly coming back so does the chill in my spine that made me realise I have lost it today. It – the cool!

My mom, didn’t say anything inbetween. She listened to everything without leaving a word. She wiped my face with her hands…

She looked at me with the same eyes that had seen me at my worst, through days I thought I’d never make it through. “I remember those nights when you could barely breathe, but you fought every moment, bit by bit.  You proved them wrong. You showed them, every time you laughed again, every time you got out of bed when they thought you wouldn’t. You are stronger than you believe.

And even now, even with this…this burden, this exhaustion you feel, I still see that same light in you. Life has always tried to weigh you down, I know life has been tough on you since you were young. I never went through this much when I was young. But you have seen worse at such young age. You are a wreck but you carry so much more strength. Sometimes I think you forget that part of yourself, the part that has overcome so much already. But it’s still there, even if it feels hidden.”

She took my hand in hers, and said “You know, you don’t have to keep hiding the things that hurt you. You’re allowed to break down, to feel weak; it doesn’t make you any less of a fighter. It’s not wrong being vulnerable. You’ve been holding so much inside, but you don’t have to carry it alone. If not talk with your brother or friends. But… make sure who those friends are. I don’t want you to come hurt again because of someone. Being a warrior doesn’t mean you’re always strong it just means you keep going, even on the days when it feels impossible.

You’re here for a reason. You survived for a reason. Maybe the world hasn’t shown you yet what that is, but don’t give up on finding out. May be you didn’t meet the right ones yet. May be people around you are too slow. When you feel like hiding away, remember that your story isn’t finished yet. There’s more in you… this whatever you are feeling right now is not the end of you. You are much more than that. So, promise me you’ll keep going. One step at a time. And stop ruining your lungs by crying for god’s sake…”